7 Ways to Be the Coolest Kid at School on Your First Day

It's that time of year again! The weather is cooling down, young people are rushing to finish their summer reading, and stores are selling pencils. A new school year means new challenges, which can be a source of anxiety, especially if you are going to a new school for the first time. Students all over the country are wondering, "How can I be the coolest kid in school?" No need to fear! Here are 8 surefire tips to accomplish that goal.

1. Kiss Teacher Good-Bye

Everyone knows that to get respect, you must give respect. And what's more respectful than a smooch on the lips, coupled with a, "Thank you for today's learning, Teacher." Your teacher is sure to be impressed with your maturity, and your classmates no doubt will be kicking themselves because they had not thought of this simple trick first. It's sure to skyrocket your popularity.

2. Secretly Live at the School

There's nothing more embarrassing than being a tourist and not knowing your way around. If some freshman asks where a classroom is, who better to tell them than the person who spent the night in that very room, eating beans right out of the can and shaving with a jagged piece of broken blackboard?

3. Discover the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

This one is simple; I used to do it every year when I was in school. Discover the tomb of the Dragon Emperor, steal the eye of Shangri-La, and place it atop a stupa in the Himalayas. This will reveal the path to Shangri-La. Next, follow that path so that you can bathe in the mystic waters and achieve immortality. This will be sure to turn your classmates green with envy!

4. Teach the Lesson

Walk into the classroom and look at the lesson written on the blackboard. Quietly say that's a subject you know very well, then look Teacher right in the eye and say, "May I?" If all goes according to plan, you'll get tenure and earn a reputation as a tough, but fair instructor. With this position of power, your classmates (and Teacher) are going to naturally want to impress you.

5. BE YOURSELF!!!!

I can't stress this one enough. If you try to be something that you are not, it will come off as disingenuous and people will see right through it.

6. Kill the Class Pet

Being liked is fine, but if you want true power, you're going to have to be feared as well. There's no better way to show your peers you're not one to be fucked with than reaching into Furjo's cage, pulling him out, and squeezing the life out of him while staring blankly at the others in the room. Everyone is guaranteed to think twice about disrespecting you after that!

7. Offer to Clean the Bathroom

Let's be honest, no one likes cleaning the bathroom, and your school's custodian feels no different. Offer them a break, pick up a mop, and get to scrubbing! Your classmates will be impressed with your initiative. (This tip works particularly well if you go to school in a blue-collar, salt-of-the-earth town!)