Hersheypark Mascots Ranked by How Easily Each Kicked My Ass
A recent trip to Pennsylvania had me visiting world-famous Hersheypark, the tastiest amusement park in the world! As luck would have it, I managed to make several enemies at the park when I tried to sell families candy at a much fairer price than what the park offered. (In actuality, “candy” is probably a generous word, as it was just hot chocolate powder that I had sprinkled over Silly Putty.) And I know what you’re thinking, “That sounds unsanitary.” To this I say, I am not an idiot. I washed my cargo shorts THOROUGHLY to ensure that the pockets, in which I stored the product, would be clean and enough to meet the high standard I hold myself to with regards to cleanliness. That being said, here is my ranking of the Hershey’s mascots based on the level of difficulty they had beating me up.
7. The Jolly Rancher
There’s no denying that the Jolly Rancher is cool. Just look at the guy. Those headphones, the glasses, the vest... The guy is a walking sex symbol. However, he is not as strong as he is stylish. Don’t get me wrong, he still completely kicked my ass up and down the park, from SooperDooperLooper to Great Bear, but I got the sense that he was really trying. A little disappointing, to be frank.
6. The Hershey’s Kiss
This one surprised me. I thought I would be easily able to take him down, as he is short and stocky; he does not look like the traditionally athletic type. (Not to mention the fact that “Kiss” isn’t exactly the most intimidating name.) However, these very attributes turned out to be his strengths, as he has a very low center of gravity and I was unable to knock him down. He also used his “Hershey’s” banner to choke me, which is what earned him his spot at number 6 on the list.
5. Rolo
This guy looks like a complete dumbass, and I was not shy about telling him so. I said, “Hey, dumbass, how about I slap that goofy grin right off your face?” Unfortunately, it was this underestimation of my enemy and misplaced confidence in myself that allowed him to give me a serious walloping without even breaking a sweat. While his intelligence is still subject to debate, his strength is not. Standing about seven feet tall, the Rolo picked me up, raised me over his head, and dropped me. He did this eight times, explaining, “One for each Rolo in a package.”
4. Reese’s
Reese’s is my favorite candy, so emotionally, this was extremely detrimental for me. Imagine something you love so much not just having a general disdain for you, but picking you up, spinning you over its head like a helicopter and tossing you into a garbage can. Peanut butter meets chocolate and fist meets face (specifically, his fist and my face). I’d like to say that I have the dignity to never eat a Reese’s again, but I am eating one as I type this. Reese’s is good at two things: making a damn good chocolate treat and giving me a beat down of epic proportions.
3. The York Peppermint Patty
Coming in at number 3 is the York Peppermint Patty. She repeatedly ran me over with a bumper car while I begged for mercy. She also had a satchel full of torture devices and when she pulled it out, she had this big smile on her face, as if to say, “I’m going to enjoy this.” Very scary. Let me tell you, candy really can ruin your teeth, in the form of cavities, or in my case, the York Peppermint Patty using pliers to rip out one of your molars.
2. NutRageous
As soon as this guy and I locked eyes, I knew I was in trouble. You don’t get a name like “NutRageous” without being seriously unstable. Simply put, NutRageous fears no man, least of all myself. He also seemed to take the most pleasure out of all the mascots in beating me up. At one point he said, “Your idea of fun may be riding Storm Runner, the first accelerator roller coaster to utilize over-the-shoulder restraints as well as the first to have a dual-loading station with switch tracks, but my idea of fun is kicking your punk ass.” As a candy bar with middling popularity at best, I suppose Nutrageous has nothing to lose… And that is exactly what makes him so dangerous.
1. The Hershey Bar
Clocking in at number one is none other than the original Hershey Bar himself (and is also all the other candy’s dad). It probably won’t come as a surprise that the Hershey Bar has telekinetic powers, which likely awarded him both the ability to intimidate others into helping him build his chocolate empire and, you guessed it, kick my ass.
Despite all my many, many injuries, I must admit, the mascots of Hersheypark care deeply about their jobs. Their commitment is both unparalleled and to be admired, to say the least. For this reason, as well as being a unique and fun place to spend the day with the whole family, I am declaring Hersheypark the quintessential amusement park in the Northeast.
