Leaked Journal Entries Reveal Who-ville Plot to Have The Grinch Assassinated
The story of how The Grinch tried to steal Christmas but instead received a new appreciation for others and life in general has become a legendary holiday favorite.
However, journals recorded by an ex-member of the Who-ville Department of Homeland Security suggest that there was much more to the story than previously thought. Below are some excerpts transcribed from the audio files that were uncovered.
“My name is Thomas Who and I am 47 years old. Yesterday, the mayor called me in to his office for a ‘top secret job.’ A little ways North of Who-ville lives a monster we refer to as “The Grinch.” A lot of people were unhappy with the laws that allowed The Mayor to wiretap public places and listen in on phone calls, but these very measures are what allowed us to discover the Grinch’s plot to steal Christmas. That is why, as Who-ville’s top marksman, I have been chosen to assassinate the Grinch before he can execute this form of yuletide terrorism. I only hope that my PTSD that I developed from the time I accidentally shot and killed Santa Claus (I thought he was a home invader) does not come back to haunt me. I should be fine; the Grinch is green and wears no clothes. Santa wears a read coat and a hat. They couldn’t look more dissimilar.”
“Boy time has really gotten away from me. I was assigned to assassinate the Grinch three weeks ago and now tomorrow is Christmas (it’s practically here!). It was my idea to hang the pantookas on the ceilings of all the homes in Who-ville and, structurally, this was a bad idea. They were simply too heavy and resulted in the destruction of many houses. Well, I guess that’s why I’m a paid assassin for the state, not an architect! [30 FULL SECONDS OF LAUGHTER] A large amount of families will be spending Christmas homeless, though, and the Whos have called on the mayor to publicly execute me (every Who down in Who-ville likes Christmas a lot, but the one thing they enjoy more is the streets running red with the blood of the unjust). The Mayor chewed me out a bit, but he knows damn well that if he beheads me, there’s not going to be any Christmas for all those families to be homeless for, so his hands are tied. At any rate, he made it clear that if I don’t take care of the Grinch, he will personally beat me to death with a dang-dongler in the city square.”
“The Grinch was scowling down at Who-ville from his mountain for like a half hour. It was crazy! I really should have killed him by now, but I was just amazed by how long he stood there just staring angrily. I kept thinking, 'Surely he can’t be doing this for much longer.' But he stayed out there and I wanted to see how long it would last. Anyway, I think that big green idiot is coming back outside now. Just have commit some murder now—[CRUMPLING] What the--? He’s dressed just like Santa... A ghost from my past, haunting my present! Our intel didn’t capture this part of the plan. Looks like Christmas isn’t the only thing the Grinch wants to steal… He’s also coming for my sanity.”
“Because I can’t bring myself to murder the man that’s dressed as the man I murdered, I decided to go undercover as a character that I sometimes dress up as in order to receive children’s movie ticket prices: Cindy Lou Who. My thinking here was that I could guilt the Grinch into ceasing his plan and he’d move away, never to be heard from again. Unfortunately, this didn’t stop him, as he just gave me a glass of water and shoved a Christmas tree up the chimney. Watching him do this made me sick, as I was reminded of the awful memory of when I picked up my Christmas tree and forced it through Kris Kringle’s jugular.”
“As the night has progressed, I have been doing some thinking. I made a horrible mistake when I killed Santa Claus. But maybe, I can do some good with my life and rid the world of the green menace. I’ve followed him to the top of Mount Crumpit and it is here that I will lay the Grinch to waste. See you in Hell, Mr. Grinch. [LOUD BANG, TAPE CRACKLES] What the? I shot him right in the chest! Why, his heart must have grown, I don’t know, three sizes to withstand that! Time to fill this monster with lead! [SEVERAL BANGS] This creature has the strength of ten Grinches… TIMES TWO. [SEVERAL BANGS; TAPE CUTS OUT]”
“The Grinch has returned all the presents to Who-ville, apparently having had a change of heart. The Mayor even agreed to allow the Grinch to cut the roast beast. Everything seems tied up nice and neat. Wait a minute, what’s this? Looks like a cook book. [PAGES TURNING] And here’s a roast beast recipe… What? It’s… it’s people! The roast beast is people! [DOOR SLAM] Oh no, it’s the mayor! He’s capturing me and telling me how he thinks that the roast is going to be especially delicious this year, oh no! Help m-" [END OF TAPE]
The Who-ville Mayor has declined to comment at this time.
