7 Ways to Deal with Giving the Big Presentation at Work
Public speaking is one of the most common fears, along with heights and Dracula. Most people can avoid all three, but what happens when the boss asks you to give the big presentation in front of everyone in the office? Luckily, there's no need to fear. Here are some tips for conquering that all too familiar stage freight.
1. Become a Stand-Up Comedian and Pay Your Dues in the Comedy World for 20 Years
This is probably the most straightforward path on the list. Grind it out in the clubs, honing your craft and making a name for yourself. Once you have a solid hourlong special under your belt, you'll know you are ready to nail the big presentation. Many of your co-workers may have long since left the company and you may be asked what you are doing in the office by the new management, but if you politely explain that you used to work there two decades ago, but left to become a stand-up in an attempt to nail the big presentation, they will understand. If they don't, they're not the kind of people you want to work for anyway.
2. Have a Friend Sit You on Their Lap and Control You Like a Ventriloquist Dummy
All you have to do is move your lips while your friend does the talking. No one will know the difference. The only logistical problem this could result in is that your co-workers may get scared to see you (a person established to be an inanimate dummy) moving around without your ventriloquist later, declare you an object of dark magic, and try to destroy you with fire. Your friend will need to pretend to control you at work everyday for the remainder of your tenure at the company. A small price to pay for crushing that big presentation!
3. Dress Up Like a Big Bug
An infestation of many bugs is a minor inconvenience, but it's an entirely different thing to have one human-sized bug living in the building. The boss will immediately call a fumigator and shut down the office. They will likely be so scared of the big bug coming back that they forget all about the big presentation.
4. Get a High School to Book the Office for Their Senior Prom at the Exact Time of the Big Presentation
As soon as the students start to arrive, pretend to be really sad and say, "Oh, man... I REALLY wanted to give my big presentation. But I guess now we'll just have to party." When a slow song comes on, ask your boss to dance. This leads us to the next tip...
5. Get the Boss to Fall in Love with You at the Prom You've Staged
Use this emotional leverage to get out of giving the big presentation. (Remember, prom night lasts for an eternity only metaphorically, not literally, so tip #5 will only delay the big presentation, not cancel it.) And don't even think about reciprocating the boss' love. The second you develop feelings is the second you give that big presentation. And you don't want to do that, do you? This isn't a list for people who want to fall in love; it's a list for people who don't want to give the big presentation.
6. Pretend You Are The Mask
Sure, you may be too nervous to have so much attention focused directly on you. But you know who's not? The Mask from Jim Carrey's 1994 film adaptation of the same name! Paint yourself green, buy yourself a yellow suit, and give a s-s-s-s-s-smokin' performance! This one is a simple hack that self-help guru Tony Robbins used to use!
7. Wear a Tie that Distracts Everyone
Here are some examples:
Tie that has a picture of good abs on it: This will make it look like you have good abs, but people still know it's a tie. Everyone will laugh for at least 6 hours (though I've seen it stretched to 8 by adding a silly little dance) meaning you won't have time to give the big presentation.
Tie that looks like a pepperoni pizza: This will make everyone so hungry they start stomping their feet on the ground, demanding pepperoni pizza. Once the office gets the pizza, your mouth will be so full that you can't give the big presentation.
Tie with a picture of Santa Claus on it: This will cause everyone to get confused and think it is Christmas Day. When they go outside to play in the snow, lock the door behind them before they realize the tie has bamboozled them.
