Why My Day at the Ballpark Was Ruined

I went to see my hometown's minor league baseball team, The New Jersey Slimers, this weekend. However, the game was an absolute disaster and I have chosen this forum to make my grievances about Stay Puft Stadium public.

Pictured above is Bucky "The Bullet" McTiernan, who led the league in stolen bases for the 2016 season, and currently holds a .364 batting average.

It was free frisbee day for the first 800 fans in attendance and when I asked for one, the guy handing them out said, "You want a gift? Okay. I won't kick your ass. There's your gift." Ummmm what? I clearly saw plenty more frisbees in the boxes when I arrived, so I am not sure why he said this. Regardless, it was unprofessional.

Instead of singing the National Anthem, my doctor came out onto the field and read my medical history to the stadium. Seriously? I was pretty sure that this was illegal, but I wasn't positive, so I had to wait until I got home to look it up. When I confirmed it was illegal, I confronted my doctor, and she just pretended not to know what I was talking about. "What? I've never been to a baseball game in my life." But she was smirking the whole time so I knew she was lying. So annoying.

I received a cotton candy swirly from the umpire. Halfway through the 4th inning, the umpire made a call at home plate which I disagreed with, so I booed, as did many other fans. The umpire then called time-out, climbed into the stands, approached me and only me, dragged me to the cotton candy machine, and held my head inside so my face got covered in cotton candy. He then left without saying a word and once he got back on the field, he resumed the game. The cotton candy vendor charged me 64 bucks for contaminating the batch, too. By this point, I had almost made up my mind to never give Stay Puft Stadium my business again.

After I ordered a funnel cake, the man selling them lit mine on fire and in the flames I saw not only how I would die, but how the game would end. This completely ruined the stakes of the game for me, as I knew how it would all play out, making it less enjoyable than it would have been otherwise.

The opposing team turned out to be the souls of my deceased friends and relative who were damned to play in the game with no hope of being laid to rest for eternity. This was certainly conflicting; do I root for my favorite team or the people whom I was once closest to? I ended up rooting for my deceased friends and family, and surprise surprise, they got blown out.